Child Visitation Question, Ex hardly ever takes visits, son is special needs, needs routine?

When my custody order was set my son was only 6mos old, and had yet to have been diagnosed as PDD-NOS my son is 4 years old now. My ex is your textbook deadbeat. Won't work because the state will garninsh his wages for his 40K in back child support (he has never paid a dime) He will go months and months on end without giving my son a thought or taking a visit, and then all of a sudden he will call and say he wants to take him for a weekend. It is hell on my son because 75% of the time he requests a visit, he will either not show up at all, leaving you sitting in a car waiting with a flipping out four year old, or he will cancel at the last minute. My son thrives on routine. This set up is hell on him. My husband and I have tried to convey to my ex that he needs to be consistent, that the games he is playing right now are causing more harm than good. My son's teachers have tried to make it clear to my ex that what he is doing is NOT working, and that when he does take visits, they have nothing but trouble with my son for a week after he gets home. All of these pleadings are falling on deaf ears with my ex, he does not see his actions as being problematic.

My ex this morning requested another visit forthis weekend, he has not taken a visit since well before Christmas. I flat out said NO, that it was TOO LATE to juggle our plans around (we are taking a family trip) and that it is too short of notice to prepare my son. My ex flipped his lid, said that we are denying him visitation. I do not feel that we deny him visitation. His basis for that allegation is that every other week we do not call him to remind him that he has a visit. He states that by our not calling him to initiate plans, we are in actions denying him access to his son. I am of the mind that I have enough on my plate already and chasing my ex around to remind him to visit his son is not my responsibility.. What he is asking is just silly. He wants me to call him to remind him that he has a visit coming, and then chase him around to firm up pick up time and place. He says that I never call him to set it up and that is why he goes months on end without seeing my son. I think it is BS, but my question is if he were to drag me into court, would a court see his notion as stupid too? Or would I be violating child custody order? The order has never been altered since he was 6 mos old, and is right now every other weekend with his father. Again, his father will take maybe 5 or 6 visits per year. The inconsistant jumping in and out of my sons life causes turmoil, he is on the Autistic Spectrum and needs STRUCTURE. The order does not recognize his needs. I do realize that I should go back to court to have the order reviewed, but my fear is that a judge will agree with my ex about me denying visits because I don't call him and remind him that they are coming up.Child Visitation Question, Ex hardly ever takes visits, son is special needs, needs routine?
The judge will DEFINITELY NOT take your ex's side. He has shown that he is not interested in being a father. It is not your responsibility to organise his visits. I've gone through similar things with my ex. We broke up when my son was 1 and he did not agree to a visitation schedule until almost a year later. During that time he took his son a total of 5 times - only two overnight. He always had excuses as to why he "couldn't" take him. He started the visitation after he moved into his mother's house and I know that she was really the one taking care of my son but regardless he was sticking to it. But now he's moved out of his mum's, and he's starting to ditch his visitation. Last weekend, he called on the day and said he "had to work". I found out later that he chose to work for the extra money. I feel that now he's not living with his mum, he is going to start missing visitation more often. Like you, I don't know whether to continue to let him set us up for disappointment, or just to say no. It's so unfair - they can choose not to use their visitation and there's nothing we can do but as soon as we say no you're not gonna let our kids down again, we're denying them their rights! It's garbage.
Your ex has proven himself to be irresponsible and would not dare to set foot in a courtroom. I am quite surprised he is not already in jail for nonsupport. Have the visitation schedule modified, ask for supervised visitation due to the irregularity of his visits and child's special circumstances.



It is NOT your job to remind him of his child. I promise you a judge would laugh him out of the courtroom on that one, right before he sent him to jail for not paying his court ordered support.Child Visitation Question, Ex hardly ever takes visits, son is special needs, needs routine?
Your husband is not a child so why do you have to remind him to see his son? My advice take him to court full force and a judge will be on your side when he sees what a deadbeat dad he is don't be afraid and go for it!
Are you telling your son about his dad's visits in advance? My daughter is bi-polar and my ex and I don't tell her things until they happen. It's a strategy we've developed that works very well for her. She can't stand to be disappointed.



Your ex has problems. He sounds really narcissistic. No judge will accept that it's your role to initiate visitation. Facilitate, yes. You'd do fine if you went back to court.Child Visitation Question, Ex hardly ever takes visits, son is special needs, needs routine?
Keep a notebook (make sure that it is hanwritten and dated for each entry) every time that you and your son has contact with his father. Record the time, what was discussed, if he came on time, was late or simply did not show up at all. Get your lawyer involved, and show him/her your notebook, because then the lawyer will be able to present it to the judge. Keep track of every little detail, be sure to include how your son reacts to him showing up, not showing up ect. I would also set up a parent teacher conference and try to get their observations in writing as well as talking to your son's doctor about the behavior of his father and the toll that it is taking on your son, again, get it in writing. While it is easy for the courts to dismiss the "he said, she said" routine, it is hard for them to ignore documentation. Also, be sure to record all violence, no matter whom it is directed at. But do not provoke him, he doesn't sound all that stable. Good luck to all of you.
If he does drag you into court, the Judge will likely see him for what he is. For the record, if he does take you to court (not likely as it does cost money and his son doesn't seem to warrant his time much less his money) I would get his teachers to write a statement as to how his visits do affect your son. Heck, I might take him to court myself to get his visits suspended until a time that your ex is more stable and willing to take on regular visits.



It is not your responsibility to contact your ex to arrange for him to take your son.