Whenever I ask questions on here, my wife tells me that I exaggerate the truths; I want to start by telling you that I'm going to try REALLY hard not to. Sorry it's long...
Details:
My marriage is VERY nontraditional. We met on the internet, we chatted online for 6 months online, we did voice/cam chat, then she decided to meet me by driving 2 hours on 9/11/01.
10/01 after fighting with my parents who didn't understand my ADHD (professionally diagnosed), I ran away and lived in my car. 11/01, my wife and I moved in with each other in my neighborhood (2 hours from her home). 12/01, she was pregnant. 07/02 our son was born. 02/03, I got a salary manager job in retail. 07/04, we got married. 10/04 we bought a house. 06/05 my wife was pregnant again with my daughter. In 03/06, my daughter was born. 06/08, my wife got her associate's degree. 01/09, we moved to another house. 04/09, my son was diagnosed with ADHD by a pediatrician. 04/10, I lost my 8 year career that supported the family and finally started college. 09/10, my son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Autism) by a specialist.
Reason for the time line is so you can see how fast things were; we didn't take any time to stop and get to know each other, we just kept moving forward. But we were like two magnets, some days we were inseparable; but most days we spent arguing. We didn't know ANYTHING about each other, the things we "knew" about each other were "assumptions" and not the facts.
Situation:
I think my wife is selfish. She won't do anything just to "make me happy".
When I was working, I was working 11+ hours a week (includes driving). I tried to help with the chores the best that I could, but after working long hours and dealing with people all day (and my ADHD tendencies) I was exhausted; even on my days off, I spent it trying to recover from being overwhelmed and sensory overloaded. My wife didn't have much of a social life for most of our marriage, she had to watch the kids and no one would watch them so she could "go out with the girls".
Now that I'm home, my wife is extremely happy (I'm glad). And even though the roles are now nontraditional, I'm okay with the reciprocal role; it gives me time to spend with my kids (that I never had) and it gives me time to grasp/understand ADHD.
Since home, I've been 100% responsible for all the same things she was; I do all the housework, all the laundry, all the cleaning, I'm responsible for the kids, and I do all of that while attending classes online. I fall off the bandwagon sometimes because of the ADHD but for the most part, I keep up with it all on a daily basis. I typically do all the cooking but lately we've been sharing that task because I haven't been in the mood to do it (frequent anxiety issues lately).
Okay so now on to the selfish issue:
My wife is all about HER. For a while there, I couldn't blame her, I mean it's been all about the kids and me; now is HER time. I think our marriage is 95/5 right now. When she comes home from work (45 hours; includes driving), she jumps on the computer. She'll take breaks from her self fulfillment to see the kids and help make dinner but for the most part, she's doing some form of activity on the computer while she's home/awake. Even while she's home, I take on 95% of the responsibilities and I'm often ignored over the computer. The kids go to sleep late (11pm), by bed time I'm too exhausted to fight with them any longer. When they're asleep, my wife will do one of the following: go to sleep herself, ask for pampering (backrub, zit popping, ect), ask to watch a show with me (True Blood), or have sex (but never do what I enjoy - oral). On her days off, she'll spend most of her days off on the computer, hanging with her girlfriends with and without kids, or going to birthday parties with the kids. Basically, it's ALL about her, her, her.
Solution I want:
I want to take the 95/5 and bring it back to a safe 80/20... I want her to give me a bj for a good job once and a while (even if she hates it, I don't ENJOY doing laundry but I do it). I want her to give ME a day off. I want HER to understand my ADHD and care about my extra "needs" until I can control it (without medication). I want her to dress up for me instead of wear jeans and a tshirt (which was acceptable as a SAHM but not as a working mom). I told her all this, but MOST of the time she'll just give me lip service and say "okay, I'll try" and then does nothing.
I don't know, help me!!! My wife REFUSES to go to a marriage counselor because she swears up and down that she's not the issue and it's me (which it could be since I have ADHD and maybe Autism like my son); but if it was my fault, she needs to understand that it's due to a medical issue, I'm *not* doing it ON PURPOSE.
What%26amp;#39|||You see the truth of the situation pretty well. It will probably not change.
She doesn't appreciate you.
What might work for you, if you follow through on it, is to:
1. ACT LIKE YOU DON'T NEED HER.
2. Be very attractive, dress nicely, be motivated about your own interests, Be outgoing and confident with other people
3. Make plans with other people, like in groups where there are unattached women. (But don't flirt with them or anything, but it is okay if she thinks you are.)
4 Don't be all that nice to her either. Act disinterested and reluctant when you "have" to do things with her. Complement other women in front of her but tell her she needs to work on her appearance.
If she offers to go with you say, "No. Why don't you stay and find something else to do?"
Enjoy the kids but when she wants to join in, act reluctant, and end up leaving after a short time, like she it is not fun to be with her. There are better things you can do.
Don't have sex, and if she asks, refuse.
If you're desperate, don't act like it Make it really good, make her think you are into her but don't ask her to do it the way you want it. Make her want more. Then just finish and go do something else right away.
Anyways, do this wholeheartedly, consistently.
There's something called the "Valentino" effect if you do it right.
It's the only hope I see for you--that she'll retink how much she wants you.
Go all the way with it. Valentino would make love passionately enjoying the woman and then, when he was done with her,would just push her away and leave. It drove the women crazy.
.
When things improve you can show you care but not until she appreciates you first.|||You lost me @ 'zit-popping'|||um kool|||Your right...this is looong!
I think...more than anything, you need to find a social life of your own. if your wife wont go to counseling its because she refuses to own up to her share of the problem causing...and in that case, she wont change, no matter how bad you want it to happen.
You need to focus more on yourself, because, bottom line...your happiness is for you to get yourself...not so much for someone to give to you. You should go to counseling yourself...without her. This will teach you the tools you need to either deal with surviving this one sided relationship and build on it...or give you the strength to walk away from it.
and you may want to "start over" so to speak...and you and your wife make time to spend together so that you can get to know each other better....go on dates...have quality time with each other.|||she has done what you are doing now, for 9 years
she is at long last tasting life outside the home, and something for herself
its gonna take time for her to calm down and establish both home %26amp; career lives
comparing laundry %26amp; a BJ?
hmmmmmmmm
you say she hates doing it, why ask her to do something she hates?
none of love doing laundry, its just one of those necessities
ok your sexual preferences would be nice to be taken care of too, but if she doesnt feel she wants to do this to please you, i dont think you can change her mind sadly
asking her to dress up
maybe she feels she has to do so all week long so at home relaxing she wants to be a bot more casual, maybe arrange a nice trip out with the children when she is off, go for a nice lunch, she will soon dress up then and it gives you good times together as a family
i think looking after your children has exhausted her and maybe your ADHD has paled against your child's, she needs to understand your condition more and how it affects you, only then will she perhaps understand %26amp; help more|||Now that you know how she felt for 8 years, you should be a bit more understanding. She's free! Oh, for my husband to switch roles like that with me. I have been a SAHM for over 9 years and my 9-yr old is autistic. I noticed he was different when he was a few weeks old and over-sensitive. He cried for no apparent reason, was unconsolable for hours. Hubby came home from work after I finally got him to sleep. He filled his belly and went to sleep too. I had another 3 kids, all the housework and fighting with them, no time to myself, at all. Did you ever ask how her day was, give her an evening or a weekend off to pamper herself? If you think that helping with dinner occasionally makes up for ignoring her all the rest of the time then you got another think coming. Reach a compromise, is all I can tell you. Get a sitter sometimes and go out to dinner, you two. Go on a date. Treat her special and when you get home she may actually consider some of your wishes. Take her someplace where the dress code does not condone a tshirt and jeans. Good luck.|||wow all i can say is rather than having random people on the internet agree with u, try and work it out. life is not always about you and i am sure she does not blame you for your son. but think of it this ways there are people in like china who work in factory, get no pay, and work longer hours. so don't ***** about your wife.|||This is my own opinion: I think you lean a lot on your ADHD. Whatever is going on with your wife and yourself is something that doesn't need any other blame in the talking space. Yes, both of you have gone through a lot in such a short time. You running away, her getting pregnant, the first move, your children, and so on, is enough already to concentrate on. When people have crutches for compassion, they use them all too much. (I've had a bad life, so I deserve. I am hurting, I deserve. You don't understand me, so I deserve.) Doesn't mean that any said person should have more or less of a life because of their issues. You and she have a lot of hard times between you to work through. Sometimes when we talk about things, we skirt the true issues and only hear what we want to hear. In every piece of truth, we are only seeing things from one side. Ours. If it is worth working out, only you and your heart knows what you can do about it.|||Heres my day........
Get up at 5am shower, dress, make lunches for kids, start breakfast, get 2 kids up, get them showered, dressed, breakfast, load car with homework, football gear.
Drop them off at school go to work till 5pm go to daycare pick them up. Go to football practice till 7pm go home start supper, work on their homeowrk with them, feed cat and dog, feed the kids supper ,wash dishes, throw on a load of laundry, take out the trash, dry laundry, fold put away. Get kids to bed. Then I go to bed. Husband no f**king help. He might roll the trash can to the end of the driveway sometimes.
Saturday I do yard work, football games, kids.
Who has time or energy for anything else????? Not me!
BTW....Husband and I are in a miserable life togehter but the only difference between you and me is I don't complain. I tried and gave up. I don't have the energy to fight with someone who has no intenetion of ever changing.|||Honestly, I think your wife is right. You complain a lot - if I did that, my wife would have told me to suck it up and be a man.
You're finding all sorts of reasons to blame, and of course, nothing is your fault - you just want a bj and for her to dress up for you.|||you whine that she cares about her needs, yet here you are whining about your needs.
pot, meet kettle.
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