Anyway, I got myself out of that mess. I put myself through college and now have a bachelors degree. My children and I are doing well.
I have never had a man around them. I keep my dating life separate from the girls.
I have never told the girls what their father did to us. I would NEVER do that. They ask me occasionally why we divorce. I always tell them it is grown up stuff and the important thing is that we both love them.
They go to their dads every other weekend. They are always upset the day they come home. IT's very difficult. My oldest has PDD NOS and my youngest is dyslexic and ADHD.
THeir dad has never been involved in their life. He's never gone to a parent conference or anything. I have fought the schools on my own to get them services.
Occasionally he critisizes me and accuses me of being a bad parent. I know I'm not perfect I try my best and I do a hell of a lot more than he does. He lives 45 min. away to be with his woman.
Anyway, he started critisizing me a week or so ago and I did go off on him. I also appologized afterwards. Not that this makes it okay but I did feel bad. I just get tired of him treating me this way.
Anyway, the girls asked me today why I verbally abused their dad. He told them that I fought with him and verbally abused him. He always brings the girls into this stuff.
I don't know how to handle this. I have told him not to discuss this stuff with them because it's not good for them, but he keeps doing it. He doesn't care.
What should I do? My girls and I are very close. They tell me everything and I never ask. They were crying and they do not want to go to their dads house. In fact my youngest cried on the way to school Friday because she didn't want to go to his house this weekend.Please help, Parent alienation?
I think your girls are at an age where they will soon see him for what he is, if they haven't figured that out already. They also know you've been there for them all their lives, and they will learn to disregard whatever he says about you.
I would tell him that his behavior is making them dislike going to his house. Tell him that if he wants to continue seeing them, he has to treat them like young girls, not confidantes. It is not children's responsibility to listen to their parents' complaints and problems, and it is unhealthy for them to be put into that position by an immature parent. If he can't understand and cooperate, don't send them to his house. Talk to your lawyer about having the visitation re-evaluated. That might get his attention.Please help, Parent alienation?
I believe since this is obviously causing your children emotional harm that you take him back to court and revoke his visitation or get supervised visits. Start keeping a log of what how the girls behave when they come back from their dad and what he tells them, make sure to keep dates and times, etc. This way you have accurate details on what they said to you and what is going on. Make sure you also log what they say when they have to visit and what you tell them. Good Luck!Please help, Parent alienation?
First off, he should not be talking about you in a negative manner to the children. Period. No parent is perfect (including him). If it were to come out in court, the judge would frown upon that. Those kids have a right to spend time with their Dad without hearing him talk bad about you. Don't take his name calling (i.e. that you are a bad parent) personally.
My advice would be to take the kids to a family counselor or therapist. You need someone who has experience in dealing with divorce, blended families, and PAS (parent alienation syndrome). If there is something going on or he is alienating the kids against you, you need that opinion to come from a professional. It could be alienation or it could be something the new spouse is doing, or it could just be that they are trying to adjust. Who knows!?! A professional would need to give you some imput and they can offer suggestions to help you help your kids better. The therapist should be able to determine if what may be going on. The therapist may even ask him to commit to coming to some of the sessions. If he doesn't show up after it is requested that he does, you can note that too (another instance of him not being there for the kids).
Another reason to go to a family counselor or therapist is because you also want to have it documented, in case he tries to take you court or something. If something is going on when he has them, you want it documented by an expert/professional. This is so that he can't say that you are fabricating information or its all in your head. Besides, he could be trying to build a case to say that they no longer want to live with you. I am not saying that it will come down to having to go to court but in case it does you need to have something already in place to defend yourself and protect your kids.
Another point to consider is your oldest is 11. In alot of states, a judge will consider or hear the child's opinion of where they want to live at the age of 12. That gives him a year to convince your 11 year old that you are a bad parent and to come and live with him.
If he asks you about taking them to a therapist or you decide to tell him about taking them, just let him know that the kids seem as if something is bothering them when they come from his house and you just want to get them some help so that they can have a healthy relationship with both of their parents. Always stress that you are looking out for their emotional and mental well being (something he should think about).
If you don't take them to a counselor or therapist, it will be your word against his. You may not get anywhere with your ex by telling him what the kids said about him talking bad about you. He may even get mad at the kids for telling you, which may cause them not to tell you anything else he says about you (out of fear) Meanwhile, he may continue to talk about you to the kids, and the kids will still be stuck in the middle -- mad at you half the time and not wanting to see their Dad the other half of the time.
I also know that it is hard being a single parent. I know taking them back and forth to therapy sessions could mean a lot of time, money, and energy, but it could prove to be a great resource and you may uncover some things that are going on with your kids that maybe you didn't know about.
Good Luck.
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