I'm lost. I lost my job in April of this year. I was working retail/sales and after getting fired from there for not understanding the job (after working there 8 years) I realized it was time to get a college education. I'm 28 years old. I have an 8 year old autistic son and a 4 year old defiant daughter. I also have a wife that is paranoid about being a bad mother. I've been told that I act and think way younger than people my age but at the same time I carry myself and seem like someone my age.
I've been told I'm bad with people. I don't know what to say during normal social conversations. I don't give eye contact and my body language is sometimes not appropriate. They say I'm cold (actually they say I'm an a**hole) and they say that I lack empathy. I don't understand common social queues to talk (constantly interrupting). I say more than I should (constantly told that I talk too much and I give "TMI"). I try to make all the conversations about me. I don't follow rules. I prefer to be alone. I have 1 friend. I'm told I talk in metaphors, riddles, or even "side ways"...
I was diagnosed in '94 with ADHD but we didn't have money for further testing so I don't know if I have anything else but I can tell you that I find it interesting that my son has PDD-NOS (autism) and ADHD and I have a lot of the same symptoms as him...
Now, over the years I've been pegged with "Narcissism" but that doesn't seem right. Narcissism is about caring only about yourself and not about others. If I was Narcissistic, why would I shower my wife with gifts? I'm constantly buying her stuff like her favorite snack, clothes that I thought would flatter her body, and I always try to think about her when I'm considering dinner foods I'll be making. I constantly insist (when we had the money to) for her to go to the spa and go to the salon and go to her friends houses; I'm trying to make sure she's happy and it seems like a Narcissist wouldn't care less since all those things would inconvenience my ability to shower myself with gifts...
My issue and why I'm writing this WHOLE thing is this: my wife feels that I should be able to keep the house (spotless) clean, take care of our 4 year old daughter (without letting her brain rot on the TV or Computer), go to college online full time, get a full time job that pays $10 or more an hour (during a recession), and have time in my day to pamper her.... According to all her friends, this is all do-able and it's not unrealistic because people do it all the time. I've tried it the first month I was home after getting fired and I didn't get hardly any sleep (and when I don't get 6 to 8 hours of sleep, I'm an a**hole so if they thought I already was one, it's times 100 at that point).
See, I get stressed out real easy. Like now, I'm typing this message up when I should be doing laundry, cleaning every room in the house (we have 6 rooms that need cleaning), and I should be spending 1 on 1 time with my daughter (she's watching a movie right now). I also have to pick my son up at 4 for school and I have to have dinner ready by 6. If the house isn't FLAWLESS by the time my wife gets home, she's going to give me an earful and make my night miserable... So knowing how much I need to get done, I start to stress out about it... My questions in my head are this "Where do I start?", "What if I don't get it done in time?", "Do I really have time for all of this?", and then again "Where do I start?".
See I don't have the ability to break down tasks, it's either "all or nothing" with me. If my wife said "I need you to stop talking about me on Facebook" I would rather delete my facebook account than have to restrain myself. It's not because I'm an a**hole, it's because I know that I can't control myself and it would happen again. Here's a metaphor for you - If a kid is playing video games excessively and you want them to stop, a normal person would limit their time and be firm, but what I would do is just take video games away; it's not because I'm a jerk, it's because if you take the video games away, the person could be fixated on something else that was more productive. I get fixated too though, I've had a 20 year fixation on video games so I know what that's like (by the way, my last job was selling video games).
I know the lot of you are going to say something like "get a job" or "just calm down" but what you may not be able to realize is that I'VE TRIED THAT! There's something that always prevents me from doing those things... All I know is everyone thinks I'm making up excuses but to me they aren't excuses, these are rational reasons why I can't move "forward" in my |||Okay, you have a lot of complex issues represented here, but let me focus first on the one that you need the most help with: being a stay-at-home dad. It's a tough call for most men because our fundamental nature is not readily compliant with all the requirements. Whether you believe in the influence of divine creation, or evolution, or social mores and cultural traditions, the fact of the matter is that women are naturally much better at the unique kind of nurturing and multi-tasking that goes on in a household with children.
You can't change your masculine nature. And maybe at the present time, you've exhausted all possibilities of finding yourself a new job. So for now, your main concern is finding someone to help you with the child-rearing and housework. For example:
● a retired aunt or mother, or grandmother, or single sister or sister-in-law, etc.
● a female college student needing part-time work
● a female high school senior aiming for a career in childcare
● a woman volunteering for social services
● a woman looking for babysitting work
Rentafriend.com or Craigslist.com would be good places to start looking. You can also call local high school and college Job Placement offices, or go there in person and ask them to post your "Help Wanted" flier on the department bulletin board.
Since you don't have money to hire someone full-time, look for volunteers first. Then look for high school students, who may be very content with minimum wage since (1) they get credit for the work, and (2) they can get out of school early to do it.
If you have to pay someone to help you, then limit their time to just a couple hours a day. That doesn't sound like much, but you'll be surprised what a difference it will make to have a person come by each day to help you briefly with the most difficult aspects of your routine. If you can't afford to pay anything at all, then post a craigslist ad offering to barter. There has to be something you can do, that you can offer to trade someone in exchange for the help that you need.
But be sure to always find a way to get enough sleep, so you'll have peak intellectual, emotional and physical health and be able to function at optimum levels during waking hours. Take a nap whenever you can (even if it's only brief), with your feet elevated a few inches higher than your head (it's a neat trick I learned from an actor years ago, that makes you feel more refreshed from short naps). Remember, you need to be at your best when caring for kids, because they are so challenging on many levels.
If your wife is hard on you about not doing housework or not having a job, just say "Okay honey, you're right...I'll try to do better!" and then proceed with your agenda that makes sufficient rest your top priority, getting someone to help you take care of the kids your second priority, and finding a job your third priority. Last of all, take advantage of the one thing every unemployed person has: Time. I know you have loads of work, but at least you don't have to add a 9-to-5 job to this frantic picture. Make the best use of whatever free time you now have by either (1) sleeping, (2) studying, (3) spending quality time with the kids (which can involve reading, sports or games requiring nothing electronic, volunteering to help someone old or incapacitated in your neighborhood, doing yard work or house repairs, etc.
Waste no time on video games, facebook, movies, web surfing, or any other unproductive activity! If you want your life to move forward then manage your time, because time is the stuff life is made of. If you're wasting your time you're wasting your life! Make the best use of every minute, economizing time by using your priorities as a litmus test for the vital questions, "Is this really worthwhile? Should I be spending the limited number of minutes that make up today doing this?" Then focus on establishing an environment of calmness, confidence, and productivity that involves your whole family. One of the wisest things you can do is to get an old King James bible, sit down with your family, and read through the book of Proverbs every month (there are 31 chapters, basically one for each day of the month) and King Solomon packed them with wisdom. You don't need to be Jewish or Christian to get a lot of good things out of those proverbs; and that will be the best way to deal with the qualities about yourself that you don't like. That wisdom will start to assimilate itself into your heart and mind, and make a world of difference.|||All will be well, and all manner of things will be well.
Try a prayer. Doesn't matter what you believe in. Just say: "If there is a God, please help me". You don't have to believe it; just give it a try.
Look for someone to show caring towards. It can be a kitty or dog or your wife.
Focus on providing caring to another.
Communication skills are useful to know, especially when you don't particularly care about other people as you seem to, because they can teach you healthy wise ways to get what you want without hurting others.
I suggest you borrow from the library the book "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. It is based in good research into healthy relationships. Don't worry about the diagnoses, just focus on improving your skills.
I suggest you borrow from the library Richard Nelson Bolles book, 'What Color Is Your Parachute?' and Lawrence Boldt's 'Zen of Work', to find work you might love to do.
Stress elimination is key too. Focus on expressing your needs and letting your partner influence your views. Be honest about stress; call time-out when you need to.
Watch comedy - belly laughs are wise medicine to over-seriousness.
Peace!
=D
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